I haven’t written on this blog page for a long time, but I’ve been penning in my thought journal these past few months.
I’ve always suffered, or if not always, since I was a teenager, from these emotional lows. I wouldn’t call it a depression, but it’s this sort of restlessness, and this ennui, or boredom, that settles in around me like a thick fog and stays clutching onto me for a few days at a time. Then it all dissipates and I am more or less back to my normal mood.
I have been trying to figure out what is causing these lows. I have thought it could very well be hormonal, a la, premenstrual loveliness.
And it may be that, except that the moods don’t always manifest during my period.
I think it may all have something to do with me not leading a fulfilling life. There’s always something missing. Or maybe there’s something present that should be missing. I’m actually not sure.
I’m just so bored. Everything feels so unreal sometimes, like I’m just repeating motions. I want to do more with my life, but I can’t, or don’t. So much to do, to experience, and I do so little, simply because I’m in graduate school getting my PhD. I feel jealous when I hear of people going to different countries and getting to do things. I try not to judge the jealousy but use it as a tool to recognize what it is that I want or value. And experiencing other cultures and activities is something that I clearly value and want to engage in.
And I think to myself, what am I getting this degree for? Enhanced job prospects? Jobs I may or may not feel fulfilled in? But they’re safe fiscally, and they’d get me out of the house on a daily basis. I have thought that if I can manage to be a full-time writer and make a decent living out of it, then I would do that. But I fear that may not be enough socially, because I like getting out of the house and interacting with colleagues daily. Don’t get me wrong, I like my daily dose of me-time (it’s that introverted nature of mine, I suppose), but I also LOVE listening to people chat.
So, I would need an outside job, and then write on the side, but make an avocation out of the fantasy writing.
But honestly, I don’t even know what I want. It feels like a waiting game. I hit the milestones (graduate high school with honors/AP classes under my belt to get into a college to graduate with honors so I can get into a graduate school to earn a doctorate so I can get a job), but for what?
And I don’t know if it’s that whole, I live for the future more than the present thing, like always doing things presently for future rewards. Everything is always about working towards a future goal. I think I don’t enjoy the present enough, and that leads to life dissatisfaction.
I’m not sure, but I think I feel disconnected from myself. I don’t know if I partly feel this way right now because I feel unattractive (courtesy of my period and also seeing pretty people around me).
I feel like my life hasn’t changed. I moved out of my parents’ house and yet all I do really is study, and go out a little with friends/boyfriend to dinner or maybe a little sight-seeing, but nothing much past that. I don’t have the time nor the funds for much more than that.
My life seems to be one long study-session, with bursts of activity that make me happy. But happiness has to be internal, it can’t be based on external things, or events. So something has to change within me. I just don’t know what.
I think I need to get back into meditation…